hell

is it hell because i want you
or is it hell because i know
taht wanting you is such a sin

the heat warps my skin as i reach
grimacing yet wanting to feel that you are real
not an apparition sent here to haunt me so

what if i reach in an embraced you?
wrapping my body around yours
losing my soul-the payment for such pleasure

whoever thought that one fallen so
would crave something so
could you save me-one whose soul is lost

could you make me pure
or would you taint me more?

light

shaking my hand reaches up...touching your skin gently... i want more than anything to calm the fire within you...
your touch calms yet excites me...all firing cells could be firing within me yet you..you can touch me-making me feel beyond that of comfort...

my eyes close gently as i feel your warmth wrapping around me....I know i am safe..that i am fully loved...

this love warms me and reassures me everyday that i am wanted...no longer am i completely lost .. you ahve given me the path and light ot follow...i thank you ...

my love you are the one who will save me ... thank you...

what you want

looking into the reflection i wonder...i wonder if it truly is the light that i see....yet looking above me i see the light...it is beautifully frightening...reaching into the flame...

transmogrify my soul into the creature that waits patiently...feet hitting the ground full force...running...freedom....happiness lived briefly... corralled...forced...antsy

a gentle hand leads me...touching my neck oh so gently...leading me into the comfort of his arms...

this is what i need this is what i want..freedom yet the constraints of a loving master...someone who allow my freedom my control....yet leading me sternly on to the light...

haunted

the thoughts that race through my mind are beyond me.. i look trying to catch a glimpse something that i will recognize yet i can n ot
what is this ghost that is haunting me.. why does it linger in the shadows...taunting me... only showing an image of itself...lost that is what i am .. so lost trying to figure out how to escape myself but how can i escape the demon that awaits me...closing my eyes i hear laughing.. yet i see or know of no one that could be in my mind.. is it her... is she watning to come out.. will it be the day that i disappear.. no longer be the person i am..or will it be the demise of all that makes me... should i worry...

my cards call me.. the earth calls me....but what does all this mean... my skin aches...the tendrils of the other world pull me... tugging me in all directions yet...yet i am afraid.. i am afraid to let go...my mind my prison..always my prison..

could he be my savior.. could he be the one who will free me from this time capsule that holds me so tightly.. suffocating what is all that is me...hate..anger.. pain...suffering...happiness...do i know happiness...all i've ever known is betrayal pain...death...should this be all that i know... shouldn't i have children...laughter that lifts the spirits of those cursed so..

should i remain the one who will be ugly inside...afraid to know the beauty...should i ... what..how.. these bars are so cold that hold me... the chains that weigh me down.. is this all in my head... or is real...is my reality and imagination created to keep me quiet.. to make me sane

but i feel..i hurt...i love...but the passion i feel..i felt has dwindled so much...i look upon the face that saved me.. that is hoping to know the real me..who is the real me..am i a little girl hurt badly by those she trusted so much..or am I the girl child molested....the young woman broken by hands of the very men she loved...the woman broken...bruised...raped....until all self was broken like a mirror dropped on the floor.....

there is no one to put me back together...like humpty dumpty who fell from the wall...i have fallen...an angel who only knows hate..who only knows violence...wings once so pure now tainted...dark as the night that was forced upon me...a father who loved so ... a mother naive of her sins....another who steps in..trying to see yet she only sees the broken reflection who only tells half the story...

endless my days are...how can i live...how can i function...all passion that i want is no where...abused...broken...yet the breaks are all that is known..each crack...loved tenderly...running fingers along them...dripping....running down my hand..the blood from the caressing of the mirror...

alone i remain...stubborn...dumb...mute...to all around me... knowledge once my weapon now...now none remains...fear...wanting a life beyond what is in front...a hurricane to rip through...to make life different to make things...interesting...something to pull from the horrors....horrors hidden behind a laugh and smile....