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A girl who doesn't mind being a nerd. I know things that most people my age would go HUH? why ya know that? and my answer is Boredom and the ability to read and research :) I love learning new things and meeting new people so if you don't mind books..I can be an open book on some subjects but others are rare finds so it takes time to get to those subjects.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

haunted

the thoughts that race through my mind are beyond me.. i look trying to catch a glimpse something that i will recognize yet i can n ot
what is this ghost that is haunting me.. why does it linger in the shadows...taunting me... only showing an image of itself...lost that is what i am .. so lost trying to figure out how to escape myself but how can i escape the demon that awaits me...closing my eyes i hear laughing.. yet i see or know of no one that could be in my mind.. is it her... is she watning to come out.. will it be the day that i disappear.. no longer be the person i am..or will it be the demise of all that makes me... should i worry...

my cards call me.. the earth calls me....but what does all this mean... my skin aches...the tendrils of the other world pull me... tugging me in all directions yet...yet i am afraid.. i am afraid to let go...my mind my prison..always my prison..

could he be my savior.. could he be the one who will free me from this time capsule that holds me so tightly.. suffocating what is all that is me...hate..anger.. pain...suffering...happiness...do i know happiness...all i've ever known is betrayal pain...death...should this be all that i know... shouldn't i have children...laughter that lifts the spirits of those cursed so..

should i remain the one who will be ugly inside...afraid to know the beauty...should i ... what..how.. these bars are so cold that hold me... the chains that weigh me down.. is this all in my head... or is real...is my reality and imagination created to keep me quiet.. to make me sane

but i feel..i hurt...i love...but the passion i feel..i felt has dwindled so much...i look upon the face that saved me.. that is hoping to know the real me..who is the real me..am i a little girl hurt badly by those she trusted so much..or am I the girl child molested....the young woman broken by hands of the very men she loved...the woman broken...bruised...raped....until all self was broken like a mirror dropped on the floor.....

there is no one to put me back together...like humpty dumpty who fell from the wall...i have fallen...an angel who only knows hate..who only knows violence...wings once so pure now tainted...dark as the night that was forced upon me...a father who loved so ... a mother naive of her sins....another who steps in..trying to see yet she only sees the broken reflection who only tells half the story...

endless my days are...how can i live...how can i function...all passion that i want is no where...abused...broken...yet the breaks are all that is known..each crack...loved tenderly...running fingers along them...dripping....running down my hand..the blood from the caressing of the mirror...

alone i remain...stubborn...dumb...mute...to all around me... knowledge once my weapon now...now none remains...fear...wanting a life beyond what is in front...a hurricane to rip through...to make life different to make things...interesting...something to pull from the horrors....horrors hidden behind a laugh and smile....

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