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A girl who doesn't mind being a nerd. I know things that most people my age would go HUH? why ya know that? and my answer is Boredom and the ability to read and research :) I love learning new things and meeting new people so if you don't mind books..I can be an open book on some subjects but others are rare finds so it takes time to get to those subjects.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Post of feelings: demons fought

It has been really hard to come to grips to the emotions that I am feeling. I want to tell of the happy events in my life but lately those have been far in between. I have great people surrounding me, My Husband, My Girlfriend, My Buddy Lonnie, My best friend Bill, Amanda and even Christy :) I surely thought she had forgotten me.

As everyone knows who read my blog I am bi-polar. Sometimes things are great. I feel like a real person. But then there are days where I feel so disconnected that all I want to is hide
or lay in bed and not move. My doctor tries a extreme treatment with me and my body keeps rejecting it so we have been trying to figure out if the new medicine will work. I feel worse. I won't deny it, I feel worse and by the end of the day where I have placed a mask on of smiling and laughing as though nothing is bothering me. But should I have to go through my day pretending? Should I have to fake what emotions I am feeling to make others comfortable to be around me?

It seems to be ruling my every routine....ah routine...one moment I believe I have a routine then something destroys that routine, I have my class schedule but then lately all I want to do is sleep on my breaks instead of doing something more productive. I mean I should be doing homework or studying my spanish.

I've done a lot of thinking and I believe it is time for me to start the small things in hopes they will move into larger things. Right now I am trying to dress better for class. I don't mean denying those comfy days of jeans and hoodie. But try to not look like ultimate bum either.

Now this part of my blog is for the two people who give me the strength to do the things I need to do.

Hachi-Just to tell right off. Things I love about you. I love the way you sing in the shower when you think no one can hear you or the way you get lost in your own little world when clean the kitchen. Adorable by the way. I love the way you care for me. There are days all I want is to snuggle up to you and cry my day away because I know later you will make me feel like I matter and even make me smile. There are things between us that will remain there but those things are not the most important. Walking arm in arm when we are out is a moment of special bliss to me. The closeness we have I've not had in so long. I thank you with all my heart. I know I could tell you but I believe this should be a moment in time to mi amore.

Gary: I know you read my blogs seldomly but I hope you read this one. Again the things I love about you. I love the way you watch me when you think no one sees you. I love the way you smile and pull me into an embrace that offers nothing but so much more. You accept me for all of me. My ups and downs and even the hell in between of those. I love the way the shadows of our room plays across your face when we take time to talk while we sit in bed..our moment alone. I love the way you are goofy just to make me smile. Those smiles feels as though they save my life my soul ever little grin. I love you for all of you. Even the smell the cloves you smoke leaves on your skin. That is you...without that smell it would be as though something would be missing. Even though I do know I love the amber I bought you on you. Ah mi vida.

This isn't the most positive blog I have written but it is the true emotions within me at the time. Good Night all

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