State of Mental

Well things have been remotely difficult for me. I've been seeing a counselor for a year. I'm going back to seeing my old counselor that is on campus. I will also be seeing the doctor there like wise. Things have been tough. Its been a while since I've posted. I kinda lost a lot of drive and I'm just getting it back. Being in a manic isn't as cool as people may think it is. I can't keep things straight. I'm not in the bubbly or angry but in this funk manic. I've decided to try and stay out of the hospital. Each time I go in its like I loose who I am. I know its meant to help me but I am tired of emotional genocide.

Enough on the bad. I have a friend who came in my life a year ago and he has become my best friend.  He has helped me get out of some of the ruts I've been in. He has me praying again-I guess I just forgot how to do it for a while. We've rearranged outside with the help of Gary. We bought plants and potted them up and put them with the table on the front porch. Saturday we were up early and we cleaned and potted up our large planter that we built. I have planted some veggies and even started propagating some cuttings. :) I'm glad for the push, I really needed it.

Last night Garrett decided some of the clutter had to go. So we started around 7 and finished around midnight. The house looks better. We are talking about doing the dining room next just to clean up and get rid of clutter. I like it but I don't know if I will have the energy to do it today. I feel as if I need to go back to bed. But I want to get the house ready because in a couple of weeks I will be holding a stitch party. I'm hoping people actually come. I will be in class for two weeks but taking one night to have people over for sewing isn't a bad thing. So I really don't want the house a total wreck when people come.

I managed to finish a coat that I'd been working on.

First Week of School

So far classes have been great. I decided to pass on my Sociological Problems class. I just didn't feel comfortable with the way things were set out to go. I've already set my mind to my other 4 classes. I know my doctor wants to me run less classes but its kinda of hard to do that when I need to take these classes to graduate. I think things will be fine. As long as I put my mind to it ;)

I know this is a short blog but I just wanted to get a little bit of my thoughts out on paper kinda. I've cleaned out my closet and I am working on trying to get all of the unwanted clothing sold on the LTT site on Facebook  I have found a couple of really cute things that I like, so I'm hoping I can get rid of most of it. I'd rather do that so that way I can buy more stuff .

Tomorrow is friday but that doesn't mean I have much time to just goof. I have things I need to get a jump on so I will probably be at the library for a bit tomorrow. Then come home and enjoy some down time with the hubby. 

Well here I am....

Things have been mad crazy with my disorder. New doctors, new counselors, and new medicines.....I feel a little better I still have rough days. But they are far in between- well except the funk I've been in. But I think that's just the holidays. Today is a day that I'd rather just stay in jammies and not go anywhere. But alas I have somewhere and something to do. No prob though! I'm sending a sign in sheet out to the park with +Gary Husband  and I'm staying home. I think I will start on a pouch for Bucket. All his pouches are tore up. So-I need to make more pouches for him. 

I have to get all my major projects I want done- done before the 7th of January. Classes start back and well thats going to be something. 

I am going to work on washing Bills puppies, then I have to come home and work on pouches for the boys. Then back to the grind of inputting the decks that work into my iPad.

I'm looking to get a ferret or two in January/February. But first I have to be able to block off my kitchen area. Those areas are severely non ferret proof-able. I know I have animals. But I've been wanting another ferret for a while now. My Bucket even agrees that a ferret would be fun. ;).....(bribed him with a mealie worm)

I also want to get Bucket some little tubes to see if he'd play in them. I wish he would play in those tubes like the hamsters get. I found a cage that is just under the minimum cage size for a glider-but first I need to find out if he'd even play in the tube...gliders are not burrowers but they do like pouches and such. If not then: mommy will just deck his cage out with new toys and pouches and perches just for him :) I wish I could get him a friend and they not fight. Its not good for them to be alone. But he's been alone all his life. So its stresses him to be with another glider. I know weird.

Our holidays haven't been that bad. We enjoyed our first Christmas of gifts for once lol. Now our poor tree has to be either burned or tossed by the road. 

lithium

i don't want to lock me up
i don't want to forget who i am
but the darkness has embraced me so

i want to let it go
where shall i find the light
lying here alone i cry
the emptiness within me

can you fill it

can you warm this coldness within me
am i mad
why does these voices tell me to run

why can i not fight
my sorrow overflows
tears trace the grown as i run
can i make it
will he find me

can i break free of me myself
can i defeat my worst enemy
will the demons inside me
be sated with the blood of my enemy
can i do it

to not exist
will the light burn
can i be held in the light
will there be a place for me
can i let this all go

break free of these chains
chains of woe, hate, anger
can his arms bring me solace

songbird

I once saw as an innocent song bird
needing to be released from her cage
Beauty, exotic something no one should possess
Untarnished was my view of you
my little songbird

But now your cage has been broken
your beauty became my undoing
through the world you soared
feathers growing dark

innocence no longer revels within you

habits of evil and dirty deeds
carcass from carcass you soar
soon i realize you were no songbird
you were a crow- a crow disguised
what to do i think

my beloved songbird
i let you go-yet threw a lovers glassy eyes
i watch wishing for the caged songbird of long ago