Battling to lose weight

We all have a time when we step onto the scales and then realize omg I need to lose weight.  However mine wasn't just the scales. My doctor, Dr. Seth told me it was time for me to lose weight and get back on a more healthy diet. Things has been hard. I was 150 lbs. I lost to 145 where it plateaued for a few months.  I was on a medicine called Risperidone; this medicine caused me to want to eat ALL the time.  I discussed the weight I had gained with my psychiatrist and he was like be fat and happy or skinny and miserable.  I explained to him that I can't be fat and happy I have an injury that weight causes more pain with. So we changed my medicine which seems to have helped me lose some weight but still I am at an impasse.  On Dec. 26 I weighed 140 lbs! I had lost 5lbs! I was so excited, yet this isn't something to celebrate about quite yet. I have to keep off that 5 lbs plus lose 5 more lbs.
I saw my nutritionist today and he told me the diet changes I have made are good but my binge eating must stop! When you are manic depressed or bi polar sometimes eating is what makes you feel better. Well one of my comforts is eating-a very dangerous thing when you are trying to lose. Yesterday I did horrible on my eating and I know I did but I hope to do better.  Not many people know what I go through because I am afraid to talk about my condition-I fear I will lose so many people over it. I know a silly fear but when you go about every day of your life for so long stating you are normal and sane to only know that you fight to be normal when you aren't.
So my goal is to learn to talk about things more and to get back in shape.  I stopped so much-now it is time for me to take it back one step at a time. And one of the things is going to be my weight and health. Second is going to be me blogging again. I quit and I don't know why I quit but I did.  This use to be my outlet and then I guess I got lazy I'm not sure. But lets hope I can get back on track.
Classes start back on the 10th of January; so I will be busy busy but maybe I can find me time again and keep it!

Sewing

Well things are going well, I've been sewing like mad and about to go do so again here in a moment! I've not fell off the face of the earth just a bit busy and trying to move things in the right direction since my incident with the ultram ;( but I think i am going on the right path.

My life after ultram

Well things have been going well. Not many people know but well I am now on medicines to help slow me down a bit and help me concentrate. But it is all due to Ultram that has me where i am. I'm not as angry as I was.. i am actually a bit better off than I was. I am more alert, happy and well ME!

i am no longer lost as i felt before.. now I am learning who I am again :) which is a good thing.

hell

is it hell because i want you
or is it hell because i know
taht wanting you is such a sin

the heat warps my skin as i reach
grimacing yet wanting to feel that you are real
not an apparition sent here to haunt me so

what if i reach in an embraced you?
wrapping my body around yours
losing my soul-the payment for such pleasure

whoever thought that one fallen so
would crave something so
could you save me-one whose soul is lost

could you make me pure
or would you taint me more?

light

shaking my hand reaches up...touching your skin gently... i want more than anything to calm the fire within you...
your touch calms yet excites me...all firing cells could be firing within me yet you..you can touch me-making me feel beyond that of comfort...

my eyes close gently as i feel your warmth wrapping around me....I know i am safe..that i am fully loved...

this love warms me and reassures me everyday that i am wanted...no longer am i completely lost .. you ahve given me the path and light ot follow...i thank you ...

my love you are the one who will save me ... thank you...

what you want

looking into the reflection i wonder...i wonder if it truly is the light that i see....yet looking above me i see the light...it is beautifully frightening...reaching into the flame...

transmogrify my soul into the creature that waits patiently...feet hitting the ground full force...running...freedom....happiness lived briefly... corralled...forced...antsy

a gentle hand leads me...touching my neck oh so gently...leading me into the comfort of his arms...

this is what i need this is what i want..freedom yet the constraints of a loving master...someone who allow my freedom my control....yet leading me sternly on to the light...

haunted

the thoughts that race through my mind are beyond me.. i look trying to catch a glimpse something that i will recognize yet i can n ot
what is this ghost that is haunting me.. why does it linger in the shadows...taunting me... only showing an image of itself...lost that is what i am .. so lost trying to figure out how to escape myself but how can i escape the demon that awaits me...closing my eyes i hear laughing.. yet i see or know of no one that could be in my mind.. is it her... is she watning to come out.. will it be the day that i disappear.. no longer be the person i am..or will it be the demise of all that makes me... should i worry...

my cards call me.. the earth calls me....but what does all this mean... my skin aches...the tendrils of the other world pull me... tugging me in all directions yet...yet i am afraid.. i am afraid to let go...my mind my prison..always my prison..

could he be my savior.. could he be the one who will free me from this time capsule that holds me so tightly.. suffocating what is all that is me...hate..anger.. pain...suffering...happiness...do i know happiness...all i've ever known is betrayal pain...death...should this be all that i know... shouldn't i have children...laughter that lifts the spirits of those cursed so..

should i remain the one who will be ugly inside...afraid to know the beauty...should i ... what..how.. these bars are so cold that hold me... the chains that weigh me down.. is this all in my head... or is real...is my reality and imagination created to keep me quiet.. to make me sane

but i feel..i hurt...i love...but the passion i feel..i felt has dwindled so much...i look upon the face that saved me.. that is hoping to know the real me..who is the real me..am i a little girl hurt badly by those she trusted so much..or am I the girl child molested....the young woman broken by hands of the very men she loved...the woman broken...bruised...raped....until all self was broken like a mirror dropped on the floor.....

there is no one to put me back together...like humpty dumpty who fell from the wall...i have fallen...an angel who only knows hate..who only knows violence...wings once so pure now tainted...dark as the night that was forced upon me...a father who loved so ... a mother naive of her sins....another who steps in..trying to see yet she only sees the broken reflection who only tells half the story...

endless my days are...how can i live...how can i function...all passion that i want is no where...abused...broken...yet the breaks are all that is known..each crack...loved tenderly...running fingers along them...dripping....running down my hand..the blood from the caressing of the mirror...

alone i remain...stubborn...dumb...mute...to all around me... knowledge once my weapon now...now none remains...fear...wanting a life beyond what is in front...a hurricane to rip through...to make life different to make things...interesting...something to pull from the horrors....horrors hidden behind a laugh and smile....

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/07/opinion/07sun1.html

This is an article that I was reading. Very insightful for those who didn't know much of the new health care reform.

Alice in Wonderland Premiere

We went last night to the premiere of Alice in Wonderland it was awesome!

I dressed as the Red Queen and Hachi dressed as the Mad Hatter. It was great a movie! When we arrived everyone was like OMG! And asked to take pics with us which was cool! I know it was nice to do something different.

Now onto today!

People are severe jerks-I am seriously boggled at the fact if you are a lesbian for some reason they aer all angry and violent. I mean its like one bit of miss speak and you have a lesbian trying to shove their foot down your throat. I don't understand this. But anyways. Gary is sick today fun fun...so nothing neat today to do.. I guess video games? And tomorrow research on my paper for Honors and article research. I seriously need to look for classes for Fall 2010. I don't know yet. Well I need to jump in the shower. I feel icky and I want a shower and a nap. Might as well. *sighs*

Its raining today ~ the campus is covered in a rainbow of umbrellas. The rain is cold but refreshing.

dad fixed hamburgers. They were huge! We fired the gun . Totally awesome. We watched gamer on dadd's tv.

Well this weekend was crazy . Zeus got out and finally decided to come out while we were at my parents. Daddy turned 51 yesterday-it was fun. He made hamburgers

beauty

You are loved

So busy...

Randomness

the crinkle beneath my shoes...

what is this feeling...

this sensation that is riveting through my spine...

crystalline white throughout.....

chill through the wind...

frost is here...

smiling as we shiver and cuddle into...

downey warmth ....

red rosey cheeks...

wind chapped lips...

laughter escapes our lips...

spring is on its way...

listen...spring is whispering to us..

to come and play...

Kentucky trip

Well things went well on the drive to KY. Moma drove a bit and I drove a bit and it was nice. The

mountains are very beautiful. It makes me nostalgic of teh time we spent in TN when I was younger. But its ok thou, I'm still a GA girl...NO SNOW!

A disturbing thing was when we were leaving to go get food the sign outside the gate said, "29 days since our last vehicle fatality"....ummmm yeah Really don't feel safe anymore!

I know its not that big of a deal but omg..fatality? WTF is going on ya know!

Well we had KFC.....it was good.. A bit of more flavor than what I eat in V-town. But it coulda just been i was hungry.

But here is a quick synapsis of my morning before KY (minus the movie part lol)

did you see the trailer for the new movie LEGION

Zombie: which one isthat? with the icecream man?

Tink: oh yeah i put my mom's truck in the ditch at like 6am today

Tink: um...not as I know of ...it comes out in theatres friday.. has this little old lady who tells this woman her baby is gonna burn then eats a man's face and crawls up the wall trying to kill everyone....made me think really different about our senior citizens

Zombie: ya, there is an icecream man in that one

Zombie: I want to see it

Zombie: And how did youditch the truck, and did itsurvive?

Tink: yes it survived.. the freaking fog was so fucking thick this morning I couldn't see and missed momas and daddy's house

Tink: i pulled into a drive way to turn around and well.....when I was backing out i caught soft dirt that slid my front passenger tire down and broke traction on the back so I couldn't rock it out

Zombie: wow

Tink: daddy and ty came daddy gave it a tug broke the rope but it was enough to give the truck traction and it was out ... so nostalgic of the days of pulling out ppl at the dam *G*

Tink: yeah i was like um moma daddy is so gonna kill me...even thou it was ty's truck technically daddy freaks about those kind of things

Tink: i got picked on all morning.. keep it between the white lines... lol I was like kiss my ass all of you!

OK now that is over lol! For those who do not know I am very blind at night so when you add fog...I am seriously screwed! When I felt the truck slip I was like *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp*

My dad gives me a hard time alot about my 2 accidents he knows of....1: I hydroplaned...can't control that.... 2: my front tire blew out on I75 so again can't control...tire was defective on teh inside

So yeah that is my day.

I miss my boys... Lynx...Zeus....Odin... GARY....and my Zombie..and yes girls you too! Crybaby, Sheba..and Jazz....and my YODA...

Movie Reviews

Ok Saturday Gary and I watch movies-our movie night and date :) But lets get back to the movies shall we?

9 (not district 9 or the musical Nine)
This was a good movie. It was originally from a short film by Shane Acker. This little movie shows the worries of machine and mankind. What if machine could think? How could we instill humanity? The failure was that humanity did not exist in the brain machine. There are 9 little rag dolls made and within them is humanity. This shows their struggles and how they exist in an apocalyptic world. A definite family movie.
4****

Avatar
one word.... AWESOME!
This awe inspiring movie ranks #1 in my movie watching. I believe they went far and beyond what we expect out of movies. You fall in love with the characters, especially the Navi and their forest. You learn to see things in a different light through this movie. I would recommend this to be a perfect date movie. My husband and I loved this movie. I know I didn't want it to end...I hoped for it to continue but alas all great things must end...and it did with a terrific ending.

Cameron make AVATAR 2!

The Fast and Furious
Great movie...it brought all the characters back together. And as always gave us a great fast driving adrenaline pumping movie.

Sherlock Holmes
Ok for you Sherlock fans-get ready for a new twist on Sherlock's personality. Robert Downey Jr does an awesome job and has again instilled Sherlock as my hero. Jude Law doesn't do a bad Watson ever. This duo needs to remain togther for all the sherlocks to come!

It totally pisses me off when i ask people a question and they it doesnt matter

TGIF

Well its Friday and it has been an ta-awesome day! Me and Gary went to get breakfast, and then some thrift shopping. We found a vid camera for really cheap and some movies we didn't have in our collection.

Things was funny at the Thrift shop, Jaks Attic. There was a little girl kitty there who was VERY friendly! I mean friendly she would jump up on you and just chill out on your shoulder. it was cool. I told Gary we weren't bringing another kitty home! No way we have too many!

Then we went to Snake Pit and I found a Veiled Chameleon and I wanted it SOOOO bad! But nope we can't afford another animal atm. Plus we have no room. We need to get the boys a bigger cage and well we are already looking if we might be able to do a bigger cage or not.

Sighs....I am outtie for now we have to go to my parents and get the truck :)

later

Thinking of me dad

I'm sitting here listening to Ozzy Osborne: Goodbye to Romance and all I can think of is my daddy. I guess being a daddy's girl isn't a bad thing. I've always been daddy's girl-when I was younger we would lay on the hood of my daddy's truck and look at the stars. I remembered that today while in astronomy class. As I got older I use to question if my daddy loved me because we always fought-now that I am older I know my daddy loved me then and he loves me now.

I remember following him along the river banks to go fishing-he thought I hated it. I didn't I loved it. Moma showed me how to be a priss lol. The primping, dressing remotely like a girl-but nothing could replace the fishing with daddy.

:) Now daddy isn't able to go and do things like that. Sometimes I wish I could bring the fishing to him. But I can't sadly. I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I've not seen them in a few days. Especially since school has started.

There are so many tales i could put down in my blog. But sometimes I wonder if I should write them or tell them via video. I think video but I need and actual audience to tell the tale to. Its hard looking in the camera and talking to a computer....the stories seem to lose something when I do that. So maybe soon i can tell a tale or two for you guys. Maybe Zombie will stop in with me and let me tell him the story lol. So we will see what he saids.

I moved the boys in here with me so they can stay warm. I worry about them getting cold and getting sick. I worry alot lol...sometimes too much.

Ah well I will be editing material from the Opera this weekend and getting it up on the blog. So that you all can see what I was subjected to. I mean gosh-they ripped the poor opera apart...sadly it did no justice to what it represented. But that is for another day.

Day of days

Feelings seem to always overwhelm the soul when you least expect...

Chilling before class

BORED! Had a hashbrown and some orange juice. Bleh...

my car died

Well today heading to Melba and Bills the car decided to stop working, it stopped right at the stop sign going there. I was like GREAT this is all i freaking need!

Bill looked at it and was like um oil in the 3rd chamber. So you pull the spark plug oil is there.

Melba is doing pretty bad, she mumbles about nothing and everything. I love her and it kills me to see her this way but what else can I do? Not see her? Thats not an option. She is still Melba even when her mind isn't hers.

I got to go..mom is calling..

Chilling saturday

Well we went to eat at the Student union. We had Nathan's hotdogs and it was good. Michelle and Jay joined us. That was neat-we walked to her house then decided to just chill there. I played the DJ game-which was AWESOME! I now want one for my 360.

We played some rock band which was good. I had fun...

had a strange random text wanting to know if i was a girl or a boy-uh duh if you don't know what or who you are texting then don't text them. Michelle and Jay called an texted the person and was like look this is my woman stop bothering her! HA!

Well its late and I am gonna go to bed...my baby is waiting on me patiently to curl up with him.

Lunch with Gary

Well I am trying to bribe my gary to come have lunch with me and Zombie.

Well its a sucess...now I've just got to get ready lol. I guess we will eat Palms today. Look around the Student Union some. I know I need to check prices for my books to see if they are cheaper at Lees or if they are at the book store....

Maybe pick some more clothes. I need clothes desparately!

crazy boys

Me and Zombie had lunch....it was awesome..he was sooo worried about me seeing his room. Silly boy....Guess hes afraid I will clean it up lol.

I checked out the student union. It was awesome. No food open there yet...they open Saturday.

I hung out with Mike and Rick and I ended up with people crashing at my place. It was nice. We chilled in Ricks room and joked around about random events. We ate at Palms then decided to head back. (Me, Mike, Terry?, Ian and Rick) On the way up to ricks room we ran into Brian and his girl :)

Mike was terrorizing us with his new bubbles...Bubbles...of all things and not normal bubbles either! Sticky plastic bubbles...they were cool thou lol..

I got a new sticker from mike. I like it.. i put it on my lap top :)

I wore my cloak to campus and everyone was like "OMG ITS A CLOAK" look. I am like..grr..it keeps me warm freek off ok! I likes my cloak.

Well after we were bored..we made it back home. Ian and Rick had jello shooters and rum balls. Lets say Rick felt good and Ian ended up with a Tuesday imprint on his forehead!

post today

Link to the video Hammock

http://crittersrunwild.blogspot.com/2010/01/making-hammock-for-boys.html

This is my blog on my pets... I placed the videos there so please view them there :)

THanks

Busy Busy Busy

Well last night I found a site with a lot no sew stuff for the boys so I picked out some and made them. Julie came by early today and threw her clothes in the wash so off we went to the store!

I found some fleece on a good deal-Hobby Lobby of all places. Ha...finally went in and didn't walk out broke! We went to Good Will but we both realized we have too broad of shoulders for the jackets that they had in there.. Grr...

We did find me a brown coat.. I got it for 3 bucks! that was a good deal. We looked for toys for the boys...and instead we found this really big ....stuffed....big foot...that is all we can figure it was.

Then we were starving so MceyD's it was. I got chicken nuggets and she got chicken selects...we were laughing because the people up there was about to slap this lady who kept bringing her order back up. We were like damn it can't keep being wrong. It turned out they had double "cheese" burgers... why weren't there two pieces of cheese.. I'm like ick! I would be like damn its a cheese burger lady back off! But no luck. We ate then went to the bank then headed out to come home and play with the fleece.

I made the boys 2 pouches (bonding), one inside pouch, 2 walking chains, and a corner hammock. They haven't decided to come out to play on their new toys but I do have videos showing how everything was made and such! Soon to be up!

Got to talk to my friend Matt today and THEN,...I got company-Julie, STEPHANIE(who is home), and Perry! THey are now sitting on my couch on playing map my mind on my ipod.

Relax Day...

Well today I woke up early but decided to lay back down. It was nice :)

Lets see..

I fried up a couple of potatoes for me and Gary to have sandwiches...worked on Laundry...I keep forgetting the laundry. Now I have two of those evil baskets sitting in my living room! Grrr... I really hate laundry.

Gary helped clean house today and that was awesome because well my hip was freaking killing me! We took down the Christmas tree..we were trying to wait until Jasmine came back home but the poor thing was completely dead. So tree had to go.

Finally made time to sit and get some game time in... then time to go grocery shopping.

Tacos! was dinner...very full and wanting more.. It was delich!@

Time to feed the boys: Lets see banana, pineapple, carrots, celery and mixed veggie with their Turkey BLM :)

Today was a good day

Things are good...We had to take Anieyssa home. Me and Gary are both very sleepy....

Kinda bored today, no clue what to do. Its close to 730, time to get the boys food ready and handle them a bit. I am thinking of keeping a food log of their food so I will have a record of what I feed them. Since it is very much an important thing to keep up with their CA and PH.

Dinner isn't going to be much today for us... just nibbling on bread, mac and cheese and stew :) I think tomorrow we are going to have tacos. Well off to feed the boys.

new years

Sometimes i wonder where i stand in life...

then i realize how much i want a family but then how much i am not prepared...

my daddy wants me to have kids...he doesn't know how much i want kids. I have my step daughter which is a good thing. I love her.....as thou she was mine but she is not mine never the less...and i don't think i will ever have babies. i know i'm 29 and i have plenty of time. but what if....

i thought i was past it but apparently not....i want to - god i want to be someone different everyday...someone more laid back and someone who just ... i don't didn't take things so freaking seriously sometimes...

ah... i guess it doesn't matter though.. i just wanted to get things off my mind briefly.. i mean isn't that what this is for?