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A girl who doesn't mind being a nerd. I know things that most people my age would go HUH? why ya know that? and my answer is Boredom and the ability to read and research :) I love learning new things and meeting new people so if you don't mind books..I can be an open book on some subjects but others are rare finds so it takes time to get to those subjects.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Lord Settle this in my life

I sit and feel as though a darkness sits with me. I smile and I laugh yet none of it feel genuine. Where has...
My heart aches, I have loving people around me but all I want is to be alone. When I know I should be with them trying to heal. But what am I healing? Where am I healing? I was told perhaps I am going through this in my life to help others through it-so that I may understand where they come from.

How can I help someone when I am unsure if I am helping myself? I mother everyone, I take care of everyone-i am told I mustn't do this. I must take care of myself. I pray and ask what is it I must do? I feel lost-I know it will pass it always passes but will there be a day that I will not have these days? I know its a disorder but sometimes is sure does feel like I've got good and bad fighting inside of me! 

I've been strong and tried to push through all of the effects of my disorder, in hopes that I can control or manage it better. But here these past few days it has been such a task.

So much is on me: I need a job-yes I am selling Avon. But I need something also that pays regular hours. My A/C in my car is out and needs to be fixed, the motor in my driver's side door went out: so I cannot roll down my window.  We are so strapped right now that I am unsure of what to do.

I know there is no complete answer to everything-but I only hope and Pray God can help me with this battle within me so that I may continue to go about my days. I just want to be alone. I know this is not good-but I believe I am overwhelmed with Gary and Jasmine right now. They both want to do things with me, but I just can't and I don't know how to explain it. 

I worry for my friend Will, he did as I asked and went to his doctor. He is in Greenleaf getting the help that he needs right now in his life. So if anyone has any extra prayers they don't mind giving out, pray for him too. I believe William would like that. 

I know not such as happy post. But I follow my niece's post and they make me smile with all of their beautiful antics. I think I'm going to go sit outside and enjoy the cool night air before it gets too cool to sit in.

Good night everyone.

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